An Open Letter to Anger

Dear Anger,

I wanted to write a letter to you because I think you’re probably the most confusing and misunderstood emotion I’ve got. I’ve seen other people expressing you in hurtful and harmful ways, ways that have made me feel stuck or powerless. You showed up a lot in family relationships, and I learned at the time to keep you good and tucked away. After all, you were the enemy, the emotion that made others look and seem “out of control.” Nothing good ever came from you, so I decided you couldn’t exist.

Recently I saw a quote that described you differently, though. It said that you were trying to offer me a “sign that someone has treated [me] poorly or that something is wrong.” That actually seemed like a really helpful thing, not a scary thing. Then the quote went on to say, “Rather than think you must express or suppress your anger, see if you can harness the energy of anger to become more assertive, to clarify your boundary, or to become passionate about a need change in your life…Anger offers valuable information and teaches us that we are worthy of fairness and kindness. Our needs can be asserted in healthy ways.”

I’ve known for a while that anger is “objectively” helpful and that just because people have hurt me with you, you are still a necessary emotion. I even learned that you were sometimes called a “secondary emotion,” meaning that there was something underneath you like sadness or hurt. But I hadn’t quite heard what you offer. In fact, the times when people in the past expressed their anger toward me, most of the time, I don’t think that was actually you. I thought “yelling” and authoritarian rage outbursts were anger, but now those seem more like rage, or anger “unharnessed,” if that’s even a word. If your purpose is to show me when someone has treated me unfairly or to clarify my needs, then in those situations where “rage” was expressed, it actually would have been quite safe and healthy for me to feel you.

Rage isn’t anger, and anger isn’t rage. I know sometimes you can be expressed unkindly and could be harmful to others, but that’s really not different than any other emotion. Learning to feel and understand you has been empowering. Recognizing when I’m feeling angry feels comforting sometimes because I am learning to harness your energy to assert my needs and stand up for myself.

All in all, I’m still a bit intimated by you, but in learning to understand you, it’s been one of the most healing parts of my journey.

                                                                                                Sincerely, Me

Quotes from The Complex PTSD Workbook by Schwartz